I’ve seriously been bummed out in the last couple days. I’ve been feeling so unbelievably depressed. I feel like everything I want in life, is never going to happen— it just feels so futile. I feel stuck and lost. I’m finding it even harder to trust anyone I know.
Yesterday I woke up pretty horribly. I haven’t been able to sleep very well in the last couple days. My dad has actually been keeping me up. He has impaired hearing, so he tends to talk really loud and turn the tv volume to max. I’ve lived with this my whole life, but even to this day I’ve never grown used to it. It doesn’t help either that when my dad is frustrated he expends this energy by letting everyone else know how miserable he is. I’ve grown up with this too, and I’m still not used to it.
Even when I was younger probably around 13 or 14, there were times when I tried to sleep, but my dad would come into my room and wake me up, so he’d have somebody to hear him out. I completely understand that, I know how troubling it can be when you have issues and you need someone to hear you out. My mom would work graveyard hours and my brother would probably be out at night either working or spending the night at someone else’s house. Most of the time, I would be the only one home to hear him out, when my dad got like this.
Not much has changed since then. However, it’s just harder to deal with when you become the origin of his anxiety. And that’s basically what happened yesterday morning. It was around 5AM, I’ve been drifting in and out of consciousness when suddenly he just barged through my room. He’s almost yelling and he’s talking insistently. At first, it’s incoherent, I have no idea what he’s talking about cause I’m trying to wake up and adjust to this situation. All I can hear is that he’s complaining about money. Money that we don’t have.It is the true source of his anxiety has always been about finances and it will always be about finances. He goes on and on, and then he finally gets on the topic of me and my situation.
I mentioned in another post, that I dropped out of the university I went to, and that I am now trying to make up for that mistake. I’m currently trying to pursue a career in the arts. I’ve been saving every penny I can, so I can finance myself for when I go to art school.
When he started complaining about me, he started saying how much of a problem I am. He wasn’t complaining about my situation, he was talking about me specifically. I felt a little dehumanized at that point. It’s always been an insecurity of mine. I know that I’m not perfect and I am extremely flawed, but that’s why I keep trying to fix that by believing in my goals and working hard to get them. But it hurt even more when he told me that, no matter how much I try the things I do will not amount to anything. He said those exact words. That hurt, that cut deep. Even if I do end up going to the school I want to, there’s no way to pay off the expenses. He kept saying, that everything that I’m doing right now is futile. He then went on to say how selfish I am for choosing this route. That I’m just throwing away my family, that the fact that we lost our house wasn’t important to me. I don’t know where it came from, but for some reason he got the idea. That just stabbed me right through the heart.
There’s never been a moment where I didn’t care about my family. Never. Even when they hurt me, I still care. Even when I’m at my lowest I still love them. Even when they can’t support me or be there for me, I know that I will still care about them no matter what.
It really got me down, and I’m still trying to comprehend this notion. Recently, I’ve just felt every insecurity that I’ve had about myself begin to well up and trying to surface. I’ve felt very vulnerable in the last couple days. It’s hard trying to keep up the moral.
I know that I’m not good enough, but I will be one day. I know that I fucked up really bad, but I can fix it. I know that you don’t have any faith in me now, but I still have a little bit left. I’ve been trying to prove that to you every single day of my life, I don’t see reason why I should give up now.
So tired of people bringing me down.
It’s a funny thing when I turn on the TV and I see a commercial that Toonami is back on CartoonNetwork. I felt like a little kid again hahaha